F + F = Loveee

Family + Friends = Love! I know I owe an update about my sorority life, but now that I'm home, I don't have the means to take pictures of all that I want to talk about, so that post will have to wait until I get back to my apartment. Anyways, the reason I posted the picture above is because it just looks so romantic and reminds me of the love present at a wedding. But mostly, it's here because I've been wanting to post it for a while and just can't find the right moment to post it with! I honestly can't put into words how being home makes me feel. Even though I haven't accomplished much, it's such a nice feeling to be back. The comfort, the warmth, the love! It's all making me rethink moving away in the future. Maybe I want to stay in the Bay. But at the same time, I know I have more opportunities elsewhere. There's still quite some time before I have to make any decisions, but this trip home has tilted the scale back in favor of home. Also, at least here, there are REAL seasons. SoCal has two: summer and spring. Up here all four seasons are present. As much as I hate the cold, I love that I can walk out and really dress appropriately. Also the weather here isn't as unpredictable. If it's cold in the morning, it's going to be cold the rest of the day. Maybe even freezing! Meh, there are no updates. Life is boring and mellow the way I like it to be. Although, being home, I may be disappointing my friends just a bit on my lack of time for them, but really, I just need some me time and some home time. Hopefully they'll understand. Whatevs. Goodnight!

Major FAIL

I'm a college student studying for finals. I got Starbucks before one of my finals but by the time I was done, the ice melted, so I put my drink in the freezer wanting it to get cold faster, so I could drink and be alert while I study. Me being the dummy that I am, forgot about it. Now it's solid... :( Sad life...

Winter Wonderland

It's Winter! I love and hate this season at the same time. It's wonderful because of the decorations, the lights, the festivities and most definitely the love and joy it spreads around to EVERYONE! It's terrible because it's soooo COLD! Brrrr.

Anyways, I just got back from Kaba Winter Banquet, which was a lot of fun, but I'll post another blog on that while I'm home. For now I just wanted to get out some thoughts in this Winter Wonderland post. An interesting part of my life that I'm going to stick in this post is a conversation I had with a friend in discussion. I happened to have my letters on that night, and she asked if I was glued to them. After pondering that for a minute, I replied no, because for the most part, I either wear it under a jacket, or to gphi events. Then she told me, good because most new members who cross become glued to their letters and wear them every where. Well this made me super self-conscious. I try to not wear my letters as often as I probably would have if she hadn't said that because I don't want to fall in with that crowd. I'm proud of my letters and proud of my family, but the greek system has definitely not consumed my life. It's a big part of it, yes, but I've noticed that lately, all the conversations I have are in some way tied to greek life. For example tonight, (well it was my bad for wearing my letters but it looked cute with my outfit, so I had to) everyone asked me how gphi was and whether I liked it or not. It seemed like everyones ice breaker for me. Lol. But that's ok, because I answered honestly, I love it, and we moved on from there. Honestly, tonight was good. I definitely need to go to an event outside of greek family to ground myself again and remember that there's more to life than what the greek system is about, as much as I love it, it has definitely taken me away from other friends. After all this, I know for a fact it's going to be tough to balance life after this, but you know what, I'm ready for it!

Another thought that's been on my mind is why the eff have I always been in such a rush to grow up? Graduating early has been haunting me all quarter and the pressures of my future are daunting. Everything is just simply put, stressful! Agh, it's frustrating to see me leaving my childhood behind so soon, but I know it's for the benefit of my future. It just sucks because I already know I'm going to regret a lot later on. Thereby breaking my personal motto of living life with no regrets. I definitely am eliminating a lot by doing the sorority thing, but hopefully I can make my future amazing because I definitely don't want to deal with regrets. They're painful and troublesome. Just sayin'. Anyways, I don't really know what else I wanted to say. I just felt like blogging, but not about the things I owe because I want to do those posts justice and add lots of pictures! :D So that's all for now blog world! Until next time, ADIOS!

blogspot. i owe you an long update on sorority life. but for now, this will have to do: i am an official member of gamma phi beta! sistahs for lifeeee

Surface

Exploring new things lately has made me realize exactly how many people are surface friends. It bugs me. Small talk does not constitute an actual friendship, that's just my opinion. I appreciate people who actually take the time to get to know me rather than simply asking me the typical school questions. Those are just so old and boring now. Like honestly, there are some people I've seen multiple times and can honestly say I know nothing about that person but their name and the gossip on them. To me, that's sad. All it takes is a simple coffee break or even like a 15 minute conversation to really learn something special about a person. That's just my opinion of course.

Family

This is going to be a little more personal post rather than my usual posts about my current life.

Last night I talked to my mom for about 3 hours I would say. Honestly, family is number 1. Without them, I would not be who I am and I would not be able to do a lot of what I do because I'd be lost. I've said this before, my family keeps me sane. And right now it sucks to know that while I'm down here and for quite some time, my family is slowly but surely being ripped apart. It's nothing new to me. I've had years to prepare myself for this. It's been looming in the horizon practically all of my life and I know my family appears to be happy and ok because I keep it glued together. I have an outlook on life like no one else in my family. Sometimes I consider my outlook on life as something similar to a bubble. No matter how hard things are the situation will always be seen in the optimistic eyes and on top of that, I'm blessed with the ability to never stay mad.

I love my mom for wanting to keep the family together because she feels it will be hard on us to live in a single parent household and have to stress about where to be on holidays, but I can't stand hearing/watching my family fight. I'm not one to wear all these troubles on my sleeve or face. This has be persisting for years and now its become much easier to deal with because I've accepted that it's destined to happen sooner or late. The worst part of it all is that not only is my immediate family dysfunctional, but so is the rest of it. My cousins, all 21, now 22 of them, are people I love, yet I can't stand the drama their parents and my parents bring with them. Part of me wonders if people ever really grow up. We take on more responsibilities but their behavior is so childish that I kind of feel like the way I am now, is the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Sure there may be minor tweaks, but there's never really going to be any significant sophistication added to my lifestyle. At least, that's what I'm predicting.

A lot of people have been looking very gloom lately and complaining about their issues at home. They look at me and think I live in this perfect world where my parents are happy and my brother's awesome because he graduated from Cal, I have great relationships with my cousins and a huge family to support me. Well this post was really just my way of letting people know, that's not true. I create a bubble for myself so that I can succeed and hopefully change this cycle of a dysfunctional family for myself. Why let others bring me down when I know I can take myself to great places, right? At least that's how I see life. There's no need to stress what's out of your control.

That's all I really have to say. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, that's just how I live. On a side note: I really like this song by Joseph Vincent and Jason Chen

Jumble of thoughts = my life story

It's been a rough time lately. So much has been going on and I'm really good with hiding my troubles. I know that. Being back at school just isn't what I need right now. Don't get me wrong, I love my classes and the fact that I'm pursuing my goals with my engine going full speed. But school life for me has changed drastically.

For instance friends who were once super close to me I now see only once on in a blue moon. Shows what great friends they were right? I know. The only thing that bugs me is I trusted them. Told them things I normally wouldn't even tell friends that I've known for years back home. All of this has definitely made me hold in my thoughts. (Honestly, I have no idea where I'm going with this post, so bear with me.) People who I once trusted with my life story just disappeared from my life claiming they don't hang out with anyone, but um, hello, I just saw you at someone else's apartment did I not? What's that? If that's not defined as hanging out, I don't know what is anymore. I don't know, all of this just sucks because there's a lot I wish I could take back now. Trust is too easy to gain from me, but it's not something I want to change. I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. It's taught me a lot about life and a lot about people. Plus, I think everyone deserves a chance.

The interesting thing about all of this is a lot of the issues I have been talking about are simply my distractions to cover up the bigger ones. On a side note, I picked the picture that I did because I just made some coffee for myself and realized I really don't like black coffee or any coffee that is close to black. I like to drown it with sugar and milk. Coffee itself is actually rly gross... but overly sweet coffee like coffee ice cream is gross too. Idk, I need to perfect my balance of sugar and cream because everything tastes weird to me now. Back to the issue. I dislike the way things are changing around me. I'm rly busy trying to study, hang out, and eat all in 24 hours and maybe adding some sleep in there in the midst of all that, but the boy-frenzy plaguing second years really caught up with me. Lately I've been stressing about who I'm going to take to my sorority's cocktail event, but you know what, it's not even that big of a deal. Right now, it feels like high school all over again. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could have a bf that went to these events with me but every other day of the year, I can do what I want. My cousin and I had an interesting conversation about this. I absolutely LOVE finally being single with no strings attached. I mean, I was always single, but there was always baggage with the past. For once in my life, I cleared it all and had a clean slate. Then the whole cocktail thing gets thrown at me and now I'm just like shietttt. Haha. But after much contemplation, I decided I'm just going to focus on school because that gives me a much more rewarding result. The whole date thing, I'll figure out if I find the time. Sounds like a plan to me!

There's more I need to talk about and this is not even close to what I had in mind for this post, but I really need to study for my midterm. So this shall have to do for now! Goodnight blogspot :)

Genuine Love

Lately the main question I've gotten is why am I so down/tired. Here's the answer: There are so many things going on in my life. I know I don't have the worst life. That's not my point. My point is people around me think I'm just this never ending giver. That's cool, but I'd appreciate a little sign of care every once in a while. Things have gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore because I'm tired of putting in all the effort to friendships and finding myself wondering what the point of all this is. Maybe I expect too much because my friends back home have become like a family to me. Unconditional endless love and never an awkward moment that can't be laughed about. I don't know. But there are so many factors going on in my life right now that I try to go through every day with a smile, but I can't. It's not in me. I don't have the energy to be fake and when I'm home, I just want to relax. I don't want to keep that smile going when things inside me feel like a box that keeps getting smaller as each day passes by. Of course I know things will work out in the end. I don't want to share it all with the world. It's just all the people I thought would be here for me during this time, seem to have disappeared. Don't be surprised if I simply don't care anymore. There are too many other factors going wrong in my life for yours to be a priority for fixing. Sorry, but I can't help but be blunt about it. At least I'm not faking it.

Journey to Becoming an Active Week 3

Another week is almost over. I got a new crescent sister named Liz and she's super cool. :) We have a few mutual friends and she's chill. This whole process of finding a big sister is so hard! I'm not going to lie, I have high expectations for whoever my big sis is going to be because of the relationships I have with my mom and cousins. Hopefully one day the big sis I'm searching for will pop up in my face, but I'm glad I finally got a proactive sister. So on the first night, I went with Liz to the ARC to watch the fraternity volleyball games. That was fun and she introduced me to quite a few people. I like that she's super involved and I love her outgoing personality. Not gonna lie, I was a complete downer. This week hasn't been so great for me in terms of school and it's been a little tough. Glad the week is almost over and I can have a little time to catch up now. Anyways, Liz took me to Yogurtland on Wednesday and we hung out with Paige, Lydia and my psis Paige. Today, I bonded with my psis group Maki and Nadia. Conversation was smooth, but it got a little awkward when I got asked about my friendship with Nadia's boyfriend's ex. Didn't quite know what to say or if there was judgment following that, but I'm just not going to think about that one. I like them, they're definitely people I want to hang out with more outside of school I think.

Anyways, so tonight I had this mission to talk to this guy I had met at Kaba who could be my potential Cocktail date. (Yeah, btw that's a blow of the week. Finding a cocktail date sucks because I was super content with finally being single with ZERO strings attached for once in my life.) Well, I showed up late, and he was not fricking there. Major FAIL. Hopefully I can get to know him soon because he seemed hella chill before. Also, hopefully I'll have a fun, chill, nonawkward date! Lol. Knowing me though, I probably won't get what I want. Anyways, I'm trying my best to not get sick, so until next week. G'nite blog world!!

Journey to Becoming an Active

I got pinned for Gamma Phi Beta tonight! :) I also got a new Crescent Big Sis who made me my clipboard!! It was super fun, but by the end of the night I felt like such a complete bitch for not remembering people's names. Tonight was also our first formal meeting and I will have to admit it was all extremely intimidating! Being on council in high school and what not definitely did not prepare me for what went down in that meeting. It was all so interesting to watch and then in the middle of it, it hit me that I'm being initiated into that process! Excitement and nerves all scrambled into my system, nevertheless I'm 100% happy with my decision to be in this sorority. It's definitely where I want to be and far from the stereotypes thus far. Hopefully more bonding activities with my sisters are to come! I'm excited for what's ahead!!

Luck or Fate

It's for reals only Week 2 and I'm already drinking two cups of coffee in order to stay up and study for my tests. What the eff.

Recap of what's been going on:

Honestly, I don't really know if I'm on a streak of luck but last week, I went to a Circle K meeting and won my little buddy in the picture in their raffle. Two days later, I found ten bucks on the floor in the parking lot. Gotta admit it was pretty awesome. Nevertheless, I never go a day without thinking about my goals in life. Right now, there's a lot going on in my life, but I take it day by day. So far it's working out quite nicely minus the part about me drinking two cups of coffee to stay awake. I think it's a phase because this is how I always get when the weather is WHACK (because it totally is right now).

My number one priority here is always going to be school. After all, that is why I'm here. Next is prepping for my future. Lately things have been tough with everyone giving me shit for being in a sorority and for graduating early. Honestly, those who do are proving to me that they just aren't the people I want to surround myself with all the time. In small amounts, sure, but their negativity is not what I need at this moment in my life. There's a shit load of things going on in my life, but you don't see me giving them shit for the things they do in their life. Everyone does what they do for a purpose. Until that purpose is achieved, that activity will always be a part of their life and I'm fine with that. It's just getting a tad bit ridiculous with the side comments and what not. Honestly though, to those who think I'm going to change because I'm in sorority, if I change it's going to be for the better because true friends would let me know if I'm making a fool of myself, so stop trippin'. K? Anyways, my new mission is to find myself an internship. This should be an interesting road, but I'm ready to take it on! Let's go! (Haha, funny cuz I'm listening to "Yeah" by Usher on iTunes and he hella said that phrase as I typed it.)

First week of school was extremely eventful and exhausting. This weekend was good, now it's time to tackle Week 2. So hello Week 2! Goodnight blog.

Love, Tiff

DTM

Today has been long and stressful. Honestly, after my counseling session, I feel more lost than ever. Leading up to this experience, everything done was towards one goal and now I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions and I want to do it all. Weirdly, it feels as if I'm lacking a strong passion. I know I love math & econ, but there's no instinctive drive pulling me towards any one specific thing. In the end, the determination to do it all is there, but in recent conversations I found that if there's no love behind my actions, it's all meaningless.

Example: There's a friend who's branching out and dabbling in everything. Basically, working the networks around us. Yes, life is better with connections, but that's not what it's all about. Life is better with a solid relationship to back you up, but that's not what it revolves around. There's so much more to life than the stereotypes and Irvine is the place to be to break the stereotype. Most of this comes to my mind specifically because I've been getting a lot of shit for being in a sorority. Come on, I know I look and act like a sorority girl, so what's wrong with me being one? People who once said I look like one are now giving me shit for being in one, but what's wrong with me loving what I do? At least I know I'm doing this for the right reasons. It honestly makes me feel at home and has definitely helped with my knowledge of whether or not others are judging me. To me life is about seizing opportunities and loving the ones that you take. It's not about creating a big ass web of networks because by doing so, you lose touch with those who are meant to be the closest to you. Eventually, they'll even stop caring and you'll be left wondering why the left if you even notice they left. I've had this all happen way too many times to let the ones I love go through the same pain.

Conversations are priceless. There's nothing that can replace that connection between people. No matter how much work you could get done in that hour, it will never beat the satisfaction you get from a good conversation. Even if it's not a good one though, it's the after feeling of knowing you tried. Social networking is about knowing a few people who know other people who know people who can help you. Ya kno? At least that's how I feel. Basically this all boils down to the type of person I am and the way I see life I guess. I like to keep my close friends close and others as friends until they share that bond/connection/energy with me. My comfort is hard to gain, but easy to keep once you have it. Trust that.

There's so much

I want to say to you. Everytime the opportunity presents itself I either get blocked by someone or I lose my words. There's no solution to the shyness you bring out in me. My hope is that one day things will change and we can at least be good friends if nothing else. Fate has definitely not been on our side, but that's fine. I'm not asking for much, just one solid conversation where I can say I genuinely got to know you. However, for some odd reason, that never seems to happen. We can ask about each other and say we know each other, but I can't honestly call you a friend. You're more like my acquaintance and I want to change that, but our fate just is not set in our favor I guess. That's a really weird way to put it, but hopefully this sorority business will help me change that with you. The awkward short/brief conversations have got to go. I'm super confused about what I want. Everything has been an overwhelming domino effect and I've been living in a fairy tale trying to escape reality. Sadly, reality caught up with me and here I am blogging about it.

I want to happen. Knowing that I'm going to get out of here early, I'm determined to make the most of my experience, but my body is simply not cooperating. I can't say that I'm having the time of my life because inside of me there's a never ending war going on between my healthy cells and my sick cells (yes, the ones that get me sick.. i'm not a bio major, so leave me alone! :P). Lately, I've been ignoring it and going about my life as if nothing's wrong, but it's taking a toll on me and I can't fix it. Eugh, things are just getting rough and I need that rock to keep me up. Part of me wants a relationship for that purpose, but at the same time, I know how much I have on my plate, I don't know if I can stretch my heart out further to accept a relationship. It's just all getting to be too much. I definitely have the desire to do all that I'm doing, but the alone time is what I crave, that down moment in life where I can just reflect on me and make sure I'm on track. That's what's lacking. Don't get me wrong, I love being in sorority and it's definitely my place, but dude, I don't even know if I can handle my classes. There's so much going on that I can't figure out if things are going to fit or not. I'm waiting for another week and seeing if this is going to be my life, but we will definitely have to wait and see. I miss home. I miss a lot of things about my life, but most of all I miss the comfort of knowing I'm always going to have someone there. As you can see I have a lot on my mind and I feel like I'm a tiny fraction away from my breaking point and more than anything I miss my best friends. (Not to say that they aren't around, but I miss that quality bonding time without worrying about other things in life.) Please please please breaking point, go away. I can't handle it right now. I need to be me and get this school situation set straight because I have a lot to prove to myself. I know I can do this, please don't make this any harder than it already is.

on my mind. If I keep typing, I'm not going to be able to study. So I'm going to end it here. Sorry this was such a down blog, but that's my current mood. Balance and priorities are my struggles always and forever. G'nite!

Los Sientos

Dear Blog,
I'm sorry I've been neglecting you. I have a quick minute before I have to leave for class and I simply wanted to inform you that I am now a part of Gamma Phi Beta's Beta Omega class! :) I'm also suffering from major exhaustion, hence my voice sounding like a thirteen year old boy going through puberty, it's cracking all over the place. Anywho, gots to go now, but I will for sure have a detailed post soon!

xoxo
Tiff

Week 0 Fall Quarter 2010

Why hello blogspot, long time no talk! :) I really don't have a lot of time to talk because I'm going through recruitment to meet more people and I have to be up early tomorrow, so I'm going to cover what's on my mind.

Since I've been back, I've seen him a few times. Given him hugs every time but the conversation always goes the same way:

Me: Hey (insert name)! How are you?

Him: Heyyy! I'm good, how about you?

Me: Good.

Him: Yeah

Me: Yeah, see ya later!

Him: Yeah, bye!

Eugh! This is all getting so frustrating. I know I said I'm going to keep an open mind, but I just wish fate was on my side. It's fine if things don't happen, like it's been in my head for a while that we're on different pages, it just sucks when it's thrown in your face. Whatever though, moving on. Only time will tell.

I decided to go through recruitment this year and it's turning out to be not that bad. I've been pleasantly surprised by almost every chapter. Pi Beta Phi is for sure a no no because well... Just because. I expected that one. Anyways, talking to all these girls are really fun, but I honestly wish there was time to really just get to know them on a deeper level before eliminations. I feel like I have to jump right into my history in order for them to really know me, but there's never enough time. It really sucks and I'm not the most comfortable with starting a conversation. I'll admit, I'm improving tremendously, but there's always room to get better. The bad side to all of this is I don't get to hang out with people like Jeanalyn and my roomies and last year's roomies. Tradeoffs sucks butt!

My eyes are burning, meaning time for bed! Lol. G'nite! Detailed version of week 0 to be posted SOON!

143

This is my new desktop background because it reminds me of my lovely girlies from irvine, Cammie and Jeanalyn! :) 143. They keep my life sane and fun. There's never a dull moment with them. I'm so excited to go back down and fill our second year with even more memories than last year!!

Life is Bright & EXCITING

My room looks ten times better than it has all summer. I honestly LOVE spending time in my room sorting through all the junk I've hoarded throughout the years of my life. Even though I moved to a new house 2 years ago, I still manage to find random bits of junk from elementary school! Goes to show how well I used to clean. Anyways, I've come to the point in my life where I'm ready to part with all of it. Basically grasping onto the concept of: if you haven't seen it in years or used it regularly, toss it. The amount of space that I've acquired is AMAZING.
All while cleaning, I've also been packing up items that I see as I'm going along. One of the major tasks I've finished is washing my sheets and comforter for school! I even opened up my new pillow and put the pillowcase on it. Now I use it to sleep on while I read during the day, and every time I walk in my room, it serves as a reminder that I only have a few days left. There's something about this pillow that's different than my other pillows. It just screams college to me. It's in a super cute striped pillow case that is a white base with purple, pink, and blue double stripes. loveeee it!

Disbelief

Irvine in 8 days? Are you serious? My lame attempts at cleaning my room these past 3 weeks have led to a greater mess than when I started. Now I'm sitting here, home alone on a Friday night and realizing school is 8 days away! WTF! When did this happen? And where the eff was I?

Being home this summer has brought me much needed carefree happiness. Although my family stresses me out with their worries of each other's well-being, I love them to death and I don't regret all that I gave up to be home this summer. This summer my mom helped me realize that I'm more of a go-getter than I realized. My brother helped me build up my confidence in my future and made me realize I made the right decision when choosing my major. My dad.. Well, he gave me good moments to vent out all my anger and good laughs from his stupid moments. My cousins, well we had some good times and good laughs this summer. I guess I caught my humor/sarcasm from friends while away.

Anywho, summer's been so much fun!! But I've been way too lazy and my momma cooked too much yummy food for my own good. Now it's time to pack it all up and move out, plus start working out! Freshmen weight is a big no no.

Surpriseeee

I'm honestly surprised. Last week, my parents had an appointment at the optometrist's office and by the end of it, they came to the conclusion that my dad most likely has high cholesterol. Well, from that moment on, we nagged my dad about watching what he eats and told him he needs to work out for 30 minutes a day. To my surprise, he really has! Normally, we nag and nothing gets done. Basically he has a terrible habit of snacking uncontrollably and never being full, which lucky I've inherited in my dna... Thanks dad. I'm proud of him for actually listening to us, hopefully he continues! :)

I Have Terrible Short Term Memory.

Untitled

My days left at home are winding down. Last month, I could not wait to leave home, but when it boils down to time to leave I'm a complete emotional wreck. Through it all: the drama, the chaos, yelling, screaming, slapping, laughter, love.. Family is the most important part of me. My mom woke up today and ran into the family room where I was watching TV and eating breakfast to tell me about her dream. She dreamt of me down in Irvine and her left at home crying her eyes out, but crying tears that came out like water flowing down a waterfall! Lol. It was hilarious, but it made me sad because I know how I felt last year when I left and how she felt. I don't want to go through that again. At the same time, I know this year it's going to be worse because I'm not moving home again for another 2 years. Any time that I'll be spending at home will be during very short visits and that sucks. The relationship I have with my mom now is irreplaceable. Every day that I get to spend with her now means the world to me. This is so hard!! I love school and SoCal, but I love my family too. I wish I could take them with me to SoCal.

Distractions.

I have this really bad habit of starting blogs and never finishing them because I either lose my inspiration to write them or my train of thought drifts away. Distractions are my enemies.

Lately, a lot has been going on, but my greatest fear at the moment is that I'm growing up too fast.

Confession: I got distracted with Facebook and chatting on AIM, so I'm just going to end this here because that's all I really had to say. The rest would have just been an explanation as to why I feel the way I do. Also, I don't have an image to go with this post yet, but if I come across one, I'll update this post.

Life :)

Life has brought me many happy times to remember lately.

These are my lovely cousins during our sleepover. My little cousin Prissila turned me into a clown while we were doing makeovers... Nevertheless it was a great time and I got my hair cut afterwards! Normally, I'd post pictures of what my hair looks like now, but I found it to be pointless because my hair looks the same. I'm super disappointed because I asked for a different look, but evidently students in training only know how to cut layers one way. So my new decision is to keep this hair for another 2 months or so and get a new haircut, much shorter and pictures shall be posted then.

Then on August 23, 2010 Christine, Rammi, Jon and I went to a Giants game! I didn't take a picture of the whole group, Christine has that and I'm too lazy to find it, so this will have to do. This is also my first time going out with friends in contacts! :) Still questioning whether or not I should keep them because that night I could not get my left contact out. Lol. It was seriously terrible! We'll see how my next consultation goes with my doctor.

Last but certainly not least, last Friday, seven of us (Jon, his cousin Christine, Ryan, Jeff, Rammi, Christine and I) ventured over to Walnut Creek, where the only SF Creamery is located. Yeah, I know it's weird, SF Creamery is in Walnut Creek, but we tackled the infamous Kitchen Sink. I will definitely say it was a shitload of ice cream and I don't think I'll do it again. The eight scoops of ice cream consisted of vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, mint chip, rocky road, golden oreo, cookie dough, and snickerdoodle. (They were all actually pretty good, except for mint chip... I warned them though.) Our eight toppings were: M&Ms, gummy bears, rainbow sprinkles :), chocolate sprinkles, caramel, hot fudge, reese's cups, and marshmallows. It was definitely a great experience and I'd do it again, only hopefully the next time I do, I'll have more money so I can do something else afterwards.. What a night though. That sink is definitely worth the money if you're with a group! :)

Yep, so that's been my life lately. I love the chill days between because I just get to run errands with my mommy and really treasure my time at home. It's beginning to hit me that this is the last time I'll be home for the next two years and actually fully be at home. Not just back to visit. Everything is becoming so real but this down time has given me time to mentally prepare me for whatever the future may bring me as cheesy as that may sound, it's very true. I'm scared but ready at the moment! Next shall be the tales of me cleaning out my room.

Home has given me the opportunity to clear my head. I've had the opportunity to really think about what I want out of my life and what I value in a relationship. In terms of boys I really just want someone who can keep a conversation going, can balance my awkwardness either with more awkward behavior or suaveness, and chill attitude about life. Oh and he absolutely can NOT be clingy.

I've grown up with my family always worrying about whether I was dating or not when I lived at home. When graduation was nearing, my parents told me I can't date in college (craziessss). But now... things have changed a great deal.

My family is now actually pushing for me to date, and it's at a point in my life where I'm ok with being single. In high school I was a boy-crazed girl, but now after a year in college and meeting new people, eh. Dating's fun, but at the moment things are so good for me in the academics department that I feel like if I add a boy into the mix now things are all going crumble. Unless I can find a guy that studies as much as I do and is not clingy, a boyfriend is not my near future.

Funniest part of all this is my younger cousin, Fiona, telling me she wants me to bring a boyfriend home so that everyone in our family will get off her case and start talking about my relationship. On top of that, she doesn't like being the only girl in the family with a boyfriend. Lol. Even though my brother's still technically "dating" his girlfriend, we all know they're going to end up getting married, so they've already secretly been kicked out of the bf/gf list. :P

I don't know. Even though I have encouragement now, I don't want to ruin a good thing. This was just all a very weird topic for my family to discuss with me because I've grown up with my parents yelling at me for going out with boys and telling me I can't date until I'm in my thirties! Are they trying to pull some reverse psychology business on me? If so, it's working. Haha.

Changes

Slowly but surely, this summer has morphed me. Most recently these are the things that have happened:

• Broke off a few bad friendships. Basically those friendships were more toxic than friendly and I'm not one to deal with fixing something that is beyond me.
• Got contacts! :)
• Cut my hair (but the cut looks the same, so I'm thinking shorter possibly sometime before school?)
• Got new glasses & new sunglasses

Those are just the physical changes that I've gone through. Most of all, this summer has taught me responsibility and patience. My family is definitely uptight and rash to say the least. This summer, I found myself sitting there in the middle of an escalating argument and blurting out: "Calm down! You're being stupid." or "Take a deep breath, don't give yourself a heart attack." My mom tells me SoCal has made me a very relaxed person, but when I first came home, I really did not know what she was talking about. Now that it's nearing the end of summer, I see it. Definitely an interesting and very positive change in me, I approve! :)

On a side note: one of my cousins left for college on Wednesday and it made me realize, my family's old now. I have about 20 first cousins? Over half of them are in college atm, how crazy is that? I remember when we all used to gather together at family functions and divide into two groups, girls vs boys! We used to fight and throw things at each other, chase each other up and down the stairs, hide out and form secret clubs. Crazy, we're all moving on with our lives and the marriages are going to start soon (hopefully, the oldest in the family are boys... who haven't brought any gfs around the family... I wonder... Lol)

Eugh, I got distracted and I don't want to blog anymore. I'll just end this with, I feel like a responsible adult now! :)

HIlarious

[I forgot to post this earlier]

While I was at the movies on opening night of Step Up 3, my cousin and I were watching the previews and a row below us was four black teen boys. (Sorry, not a racist thing.) The screen shows a preview for a movie said to be released "Summer 2010."

All the guys are laughing.

1st guy: "Ahaha.. wait.. what?"

2nd guy: "Summer 2010!"

1st guy: "Sumer... 2010... HUH?!"

2nd guy: "Dude, summer 2010!"

1st guy: "What?!"

3rd guy: "Summer. Two. Thousand. TEN!"

1st guy: "Isn't summer almost over?!"

3rd guy: "YES!"

1st guy: "I don't get it! Agh! Nevermind. This shit is stupid. Why would it say summer 2010 when it's already over?"

Fiona and I just bust out laughing. These four guys seriously made the movie hilarious. They reminded me of the reason I go to watch movies in the theater still.

Fear

Fear - dictates my life.

There are words I want to share,

Words just for you.

Letters I wish you knew

About the things I fear the most.

Actions lately have me wondering, am I doing the right thing by just going after my goals and ignoring my instinct? True, by doing so, things have turned out quite nicely for my goal. But I don't want to live my life with regrets. There are so many things my heart wants to tell you. However, my brain says stop. You're the nicest person I've met by far and you've opened my eyes to a whole new part of society. I want to know more. But is it right? Fear of a new beginning. Fear of falling too soon and too quickly. Fear is what holds me back. Fear of you most of all. There are so many differences between us, but the curiosity for what can come of it still plagues me. I just don't know anymore...

Faithfully

[EDIT: Happy One Month Blog! :) I'm proud of what you're becoming.]

Summer has been interesting thus far. It's been full of adventures and realizations lately.

Never would I have thought that the people around me really had such a big influence over my actions; however, today, after an interesting adventure, I came home and realized, a lot of what I accomplished and the way I feel about others is influenced by my friends. I'm quite sure I've changed a lot of people's opinions about others because I get overly opinionated at times, but if it weren't for Rammi making his points during our Fenton's trip, I doubt I would've ever really thought about it. For example, my determination to graduate early from college comes from my family because they've always talked about the importance of college, yet the oldest boys in the family who are suppose to be done with school are still busy exploring their options. On top of that, my drive to do well stems from all the relatives around me who constantly look down on me and scuff at my accomplishments because they've graduated top 10 or given speeches at graduation or had above a 4.0 gpa in high school. It's stupid to brag about those things in my opinion because high school was a time to enjoy life. I'm not sure why, but in the end, even though I was always the underdog in the family, I feel like I've lived life to its fullest more than any of them. Sure they have more accomplishments on paper, but how are those achievements going to benefit them in the future? I've built friendships that'll last for life and made mistakes that I've learned from. In the end it's these that will stay with me, not a 4.whatever gpa in high school. Nor will a school with a well-known name benefit them if they aren't going to the school for the right reasons.

Until this summer, I never saw how inconsiderate some of my relatives can be. It aggravating to me for my family to not take time out of their day and cherish moments with the elders we have left. Maybe it's because I've gone to 5 or 6 funerals and was brought up around a big family, but I love spending time with my grandma and I try to stay home as much as possible when she comes to visit. (Also, she's my only grandparent left, so that makes her even more special.) But my cousins don't really understand that. It's more annoying to see her favorite grandchild acting like a spoiled brat who doesn't give a $#!* about her. My grams doesn't even ask for much, she cooks dinner for them, invites them over and is really just looking for some company, someone to talk with her or to just listen to her stories. Personally, I love listening to stories about the old times. But they find coming to dinner at my house, where everything is prepared and washed for them a hassle! Outrageous.

What I'm trying to say through all this is it's surprising to see what those around you do for you, and how their actions effect your life. Through my experiences I've grown to appreciate a lot of things and remain faithful to my family & their expectations (sort of... what they don't know won't hurt them, right? ;]). Life is forever changing and tomorrow is never a sure thing, now is what matters.

Let the Summer Begin

Today was a fun day, I think it's probably my first real summer day. Slept in, then met up with Mina at her apartment. Chatted it up for a bit before Anna and Jan joined us. We then explored the homeless people on Telegraph Avenue and reparked Anna's car at Bart for free parking! :) The real adventures began afterwards, beginning with a nice lunch at Buca de Beppo's (it was Anna's first time) and a really weird waiter. He told us this weird tale about how it's easier to be negative than it is to be positive because negative signs are one line and positive signs are two, therefore more effort is taken to be positive... IDK what the point of the story was, but it was a good laugh I guess? Anyways, we followed that lovely lunch with a visit back to the mall, which is where I left them because my papi got off work early. Overall, I'd say it was quite an eventful day. Now I'm off for a nice night swim to end it all! :)

Aspirations

My apologies for the stress implied in the last blog. Things have not been too mellow around me. But the image above is here because my mom basically put me up to a challenge that I refuse to fail at.

[Background] College has been the topic around the house a lot lately. Especially with me graduating early (hopefully..), my brother unsure of what he wants to do, my cousin starting college, other cousin beginning grad school. My family is just full of college kids at the moment! Anyways, back to the point, in fear of failure, I always tell my mom if the college thing doesn't work out for me then I'm going to drop it and open up my own bakery by decorating cakes!

So now my challenge is to bake a cake and decorate it nicely for my aunt's birthday. This should be interesting. I'm definitely up for it though because I honestly LOVE baking. It's such a nice release for me and for sure when I make money the first thing I'm going to do is buy myself a professional piping kit. Ya know, the ones with the tips and things. On top of that I want to take some cooking classes. I think that's my ultimate goal in life.

A Thousand and One Tasks

There is a storm in the horizon. Expectations are just too much to bear. Everything seems to be falling apart around me, and everyone expects me to keep my cool. It's easier said than done. I honestly love my family. They keep me sane. On the other hand, I despise everything we're about. That typical Asian family, that's what we are. I'm the most white-washed one in the family, and I'm suppose to be the one who causes constant disappointment in this family. How in the world did I get to where I'm at right now?

Right now, I feel like all the family expectations are now placed on me to deliver: graduate early, go to grad school and be successful because I'm determined. Yes, I am. But I want the breathing room to know that if I fail, it doesn't matter. I absolutely hate the pressure going around right now. I came home to relax and breathe, but everyone is so uptight and stretched too far that I really hate it right now. When did things get this way? That's what I want to know. When I left, everyone still had some levels of respect, some levels of self-discipline, some guidelines. It makes me so mad to watch my family at a simple dinner. No one talks, everyone fends for themselves, finding the best spot at the dinner table to reach the plates in the center and just stuffs their face like there's no tomorrow. Rummaging through my pantry and fridge/freezer; it's all really disturbing and frustrating to see what's become of my family. As much as I adore and love them, I hate that they don't see the way others are bending over backwards for them and the pain they inflict upon one another.

Being home has taught me a lot. I'm grateful to know my future is in my hands: financially, academically, and journey-wise. I can do what I want with it, open whatever doors I please and not have to answer to anyone. On top of it all, my parents are proud of me for once AND I'm setting an example. It's crazy to think that for once in my life, I'm doing something right. I always thought that "perfect child" role was meant for my brother, but evidently, he's failing and I'm succeeding! I admit, I feel guilty for leaving all the pressures for him, so my mission now is to help him realize it's ok to fail just like I have all my life. I guess it's my turn to take care of him! :)

Family is important. For me, they're my life. They are what I live for. Very few friends have made it into my family. Life was always about disappointments, but being home makes me realize I'm heading in the right direction. I just have to suck up and withstand the stress. Believe.

Color It What You Wish, But Remember, You Picked It

Life is what you make of it.

Today was a good day, I finally got to see Turkey. Even though it wasn't the SG day we were planning on, the day was still fun! I succeeded in my mission to not shop, with the added knowledge that SF tax is higher and that I'd be making several trips out there over the next month, I refrained from spending. I miss the freedom of doing what I want, but most of all, I miss being with carefree fun people. Everyone around me seems to be so stressed, adding onto my stress. Today more than ever, I wish I could take one of the five cars we have (oh, and we only have 3 insured drivers at home. stupid, right? i know) and just drive away! No restrictions, the world in front of me and all the freedom to go wherever my foot took me. *Sigh, that would be a dream come true. But since I'm not living a dream, back to reality. After I got home, my mom was cooking, so I helped water the plants and made some lemonade. That's become a habit of mine because I love being in my backyard and seeing the progress of all the fruits and vegetables in our backyard. I will also add, we have kind of a mini orchard (that's what I call it) in our backyard. We have a lemon tree, an orange tree, an apple tree, a pear tree, some citrus type tree, zuccini plants, tomato plants, basil, a blueberry bush, a plum tree, a squash plant, asian green onions.. IDK, but I think there's more. That just gave me an idea, I'm going to document all the plants and trees we have in the backyard tomorrow. Ohh! Fun!! :) So, tbc!

Anyways, my purpose for blogging this blog was to talk about life. Recently, it has come to my attention that my cousin who is going to USC in the fall, does not have the financial means to cover her tuition. The reason this came up is because I finally received a much needed grant from the government, meaning I won't have to pay back as much when I graduate. YAY! But as for my cousin, her parents lack the financial means to cover her costs at school...

Well, let's get to some back story first. This is the cousin who always gets what she wants. She's book smart but not street smart. I agree it's good to be determined to get what you want, but it should never be at the cost of your family. She's extremely jealous and greedy at times, but I can't blame her for everything.

My point here is, I took out a student loan to cover my costs for school because I didn't want to burden my parents for my wanting to experience the world. However, she's the cousin who has gone to Europe, flown to the East Coast, gone to Hawaii, flown back to the homeland where she was born, and gets everything she asks for just by asking daddy since birth. Now, my aunt wants to just send over money for her mom to pay for her tuition? Where was that money when I was struggling and fighting with my mom night and day over me going to Irvine? I don't dislike my aunt for not offering that option to my family. Honestly, I love being able to say that I'm paying for my college life right now. It's a humbling and gratifying experience to be honest. I've learned to strive for what I want, and work hard at it to get to where I need to be. I didn't take any short cuts, I didn't lean on anyone. It was all me. I'm quite the independent person now and I'm not afraid to be. This all came from my college experience. From this, I feel my cousin should do the same. Especially coming from the life she lived as a child, she would learn and benefit a lot from having to struggle through college on her own. In addition, it would make her appreciate her family more for who they are and the bond they share. At least, that's everything I've gained.

It's hard to wrap my head around people who cry over stupid things like a failing grade or not being able to live where they want to live because at least they have a place. A lot of things in college have just fallen the right way for me. I'm sure there are more struggles to come, but for now I'm enjoying the comfort of home and my mom being here for me. I'm grateful for what I have and am proud of what I've done even though others may not be. Everything up to this point has definitely been a rewarding experience.

I really should be studying right now, but I'm lacking motivation. Lately that's been my issue: motivation. Summer and home combined in one makes me want to chill, even if the weather won't permit it. Everything that I've done this summer has been for school. Of course, I know there are many who are worse off than I am, i.e. those who have to go to school and work afterwards, but in my opinion that's better than my life. At least work is something that benefits their current life. They're making bank to spend later on. I feel so restricted by not having a job, not having a car, and not having the freedom I want so badly. My mom and dad constantly talk to me about coming home for school saying I can have a car and drive and they'll pay for the insurance, but they don't get it. It's the freedom and the experience that money can't buy. The independence I gain from this, and the work and pressure to fulfill my own needs are what I'm trying to accomplish down south. I could easily come to DVC and get a 4.0, but I wouldn't be happy with it. Nor would I have gained the knowledge that I have now because everything in JC lacks inspiration for me. The information is spoon fed to the students and as long as you're open to learning during class, the classes are ridiculously easy. Summer and classes like these have made me lose all my inspiration and motivation to succeed. It's disappointing to know my parents are only considering the financial aspect of my education. I know it's their job to worry, but they're missing the bigger picture. Hopefully I can still do this, right now I'm doubting my future big time.

The Future in a Whirlwind

The world is scaring me. Recently, I realized this is the last time for at least 2 years that I'm going to be home for a long period of time. After this summer, I'm primarily going to be in Irvine, working and finishing up school until I graduate. How scary is the thought of that? The image to the left is kind of how I feel right now. The world (lion) is looking down on me, and I'm (the cub) innocent, fearful but driven to conquer it and dominate. Even though I'm lacking experience and guidance, since everyone older than me in the family so far has failed to follow their original path and are now lost or trying to find their way back to what they want, I'm determined to prove them all wrong and for once be the top dog in the family. We'll see how this works out, but it sounds like a sweet plan.

Lately I've been avoiding the realities of the world, hiding out in my house or with my family, but last night I was able to finally catch up with Antonia and she really makes me appreciate life. Honestly, she keeps me grounded and I have no doubt her and I will remain friends for life because we support each other through everything and keep each other sane. There's no bullshit between us, and there never will be because we understand each other 100%. She continues to amaze me with the life she lives and the hell her family puts her through, but she continues to live life with a smile on her face and takes everything life hands her with the most humble take on life ever! I love this girl to death and she makes me a better person at the end of the day. She also makes me grateful for what my mom gives me and it's people like her, who always remind me to thank my parents. I don't know what I would do without her, but I'm happy to say that we've known each other since elementary school, and I'm definitely thankful for all the mischief we got into during high school that helped us bond! :)

Home... It brings up all my old feelings and dramas from high school. Which is annoying because one of the drama scenarios comes from a nearby neighbor who also happens to hang out often with my close friends, then there's the phone one who I just can't get away from no matter how hard I try, it seems like the ties with this person is coded into my DNA or something. The hometown is just one complicated mess that I don't feel like fixing. I will admit though, I'm going to miss home when I have to stay down in SoCal. Now that I'm sitting at home, I miss the freedom of SoCal, but I know when I go back down, I'm going to miss home. There's just something about the comfort of sitting in the family room with my parents watching TV, even if I'm arguing with them that makes me smile (inside if I'm mad). Probably due to the unconditional love that will forever be there because they're my parents. I love my family, regardless of how dysfunctional they are.

Upcoming plans:

-Uhlex's party

-Shopping with the lovely SB's reeking havoc in NorCal :)

Hello!

My school week is finally over and I can finally relax; however, my mom stole my TV to watch the news, therefore, I decided to create a new blog. I love my wordpress blog, but I've noticed that's not really the type of location I want to be using at the moment, so I'm switching over to blogspot for now. We'll see how long that lasts, or maybe I'll continue using both for different purposes? Haven't quite decided, but in case it looks like I've abandoned this site without any particular explanation as to why check out my wordpress, I might have updated that one: tiggermisc.wordpress.com (oh boy I hope that's the right link...)

Moving on, I guess I should write a little bit about myself and the purpose of this blog before I continue. I'm an adult, 18, which is still an adjustment for me and I've been this age for oh say 8 months or so? As of right now, I am a full time student. I've recently explored the wonders of southern California, but I am home for the summer living with my wonderful parents and my dearest brother. In addition I am attending a community college that's officially a 30 minute drive from home and has proven to be a huge pain in the you know where. It's crazy to still be considered a full time student in the summer, but yes, I do have a full course load. Please, don't ask me how I do it, I don't even know the answer to that myself. My life consists of laughter, happiness, family, friends, school, and the sun. I love music, baking, but not eating what I bake, and the simple things in life. The smallest things in the world can make me laugh for hours. Extravagance is not a word I would use to describe myself, more like plain? Drama has been kicked out the door and replaced with, well I don't really know exactly what, but it's somewhere between time at home with family around all the time and a few friends here and there. Not really much room for a social life being that I'm a broke college student, but hey, what else is new about that? Aren't most people my age in the same situation? The direction for this blog will have to be developed as I go. There really is no purpose here, my only goal for this is to include as many visuals as possible because I feel they enhance blogs. Hm, that's about all I have to say. Boredom has taken me here, so let's see where life leads me!