Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Thousand and One Tasks

There is a storm in the horizon. Expectations are just too much to bear. Everything seems to be falling apart around me, and everyone expects me to keep my cool. It's easier said than done. I honestly love my family. They keep me sane. On the other hand, I despise everything we're about. That typical Asian family, that's what we are. I'm the most white-washed one in the family, and I'm suppose to be the one who causes constant disappointment in this family. How in the world did I get to where I'm at right now?

Right now, I feel like all the family expectations are now placed on me to deliver: graduate early, go to grad school and be successful because I'm determined. Yes, I am. But I want the breathing room to know that if I fail, it doesn't matter. I absolutely hate the pressure going around right now. I came home to relax and breathe, but everyone is so uptight and stretched too far that I really hate it right now. When did things get this way? That's what I want to know. When I left, everyone still had some levels of respect, some levels of self-discipline, some guidelines. It makes me so mad to watch my family at a simple dinner. No one talks, everyone fends for themselves, finding the best spot at the dinner table to reach the plates in the center and just stuffs their face like there's no tomorrow. Rummaging through my pantry and fridge/freezer; it's all really disturbing and frustrating to see what's become of my family. As much as I adore and love them, I hate that they don't see the way others are bending over backwards for them and the pain they inflict upon one another.

Being home has taught me a lot. I'm grateful to know my future is in my hands: financially, academically, and journey-wise. I can do what I want with it, open whatever doors I please and not have to answer to anyone. On top of it all, my parents are proud of me for once AND I'm setting an example. It's crazy to think that for once in my life, I'm doing something right. I always thought that "perfect child" role was meant for my brother, but evidently, he's failing and I'm succeeding! I admit, I feel guilty for leaving all the pressures for him, so my mission now is to help him realize it's ok to fail just like I have all my life. I guess it's my turn to take care of him! :)

Family is important. For me, they're my life. They are what I live for. Very few friends have made it into my family. Life was always about disappointments, but being home makes me realize I'm heading in the right direction. I just have to suck up and withstand the stress. Believe.

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