Monday, October 25, 2010
Exploring new things lately has made me realize exactly how many people are surface friends. It bugs me. Small talk does not constitute an actual friendship, that's just my opinion. I appreciate people who actually take the time to get to know me rather than simply asking me the typical school questions. Those are just so old and boring now. Like honestly, there are some people I've seen multiple times and can honestly say I know nothing about that person but their name and the gossip on them. To me, that's sad. All it takes is a simple coffee break or even like a 15 minute conversation to really learn something special about a person. That's just my opinion of course.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
This is going to be a little more personal post rather than my usual posts about my current life.
Last night I talked to my mom for about 3 hours I would say. Honestly, family is number 1. Without them, I would not be who I am and I would not be able to do a lot of what I do because I'd be lost. I've said this before, my family keeps me sane. And right now it sucks to know that while I'm down here and for quite some time, my family is slowly but surely being ripped apart. It's nothing new to me. I've had years to prepare myself for this. It's been looming in the horizon practically all of my life and I know my family appears to be happy and ok because I keep it glued together. I have an outlook on life like no one else in my family. Sometimes I consider my outlook on life as something similar to a bubble. No matter how hard things are the situation will always be seen in the optimistic eyes and on top of that, I'm blessed with the ability to never stay mad.
I love my mom for wanting to keep the family together because she feels it will be hard on us to live in a single parent household and have to stress about where to be on holidays, but I can't stand hearing/watching my family fight. I'm not one to wear all these troubles on my sleeve or face. This has be persisting for years and now its become much easier to deal with because I've accepted that it's destined to happen sooner or late. The worst part of it all is that not only is my immediate family dysfunctional, but so is the rest of it. My cousins, all 21, now 22 of them, are people I love, yet I can't stand the drama their parents and my parents bring with them. Part of me wonders if people ever really grow up. We take on more responsibilities but their behavior is so childish that I kind of feel like the way I am now, is the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Sure there may be minor tweaks, but there's never really going to be any significant sophistication added to my lifestyle. At least, that's what I'm predicting.
A lot of people have been looking very gloom lately and complaining about their issues at home. They look at me and think I live in this perfect world where my parents are happy and my brother's awesome because he graduated from Cal, I have great relationships with my cousins and a huge family to support me. Well this post was really just my way of letting people know, that's not true. I create a bubble for myself so that I can succeed and hopefully change this cycle of a dysfunctional family for myself. Why let others bring me down when I know I can take myself to great places, right? At least that's how I see life. There's no need to stress what's out of your control.
That's all I really have to say. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, that's just how I live. On a side note: I really like this song by Joseph Vincent and Jason Chen
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
It's been a rough time lately. So much has been going on and I'm really good with hiding my troubles. I know that. Being back at school just isn't what I need right now. Don't get me wrong, I love my classes and the fact that I'm pursuing my goals with my engine going full speed. But school life for me has changed drastically.
For instance friends who were once super close to me I now see only once on in a blue moon. Shows what great friends they were right? I know. The only thing that bugs me is I trusted them. Told them things I normally wouldn't even tell friends that I've known for years back home. All of this has definitely made me hold in my thoughts. (Honestly, I have no idea where I'm going with this post, so bear with me.) People who I once trusted with my life story just disappeared from my life claiming they don't hang out with anyone, but um, hello, I just saw you at someone else's apartment did I not? What's that? If that's not defined as hanging out, I don't know what is anymore. I don't know, all of this just sucks because there's a lot I wish I could take back now. Trust is too easy to gain from me, but it's not something I want to change. I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. It's taught me a lot about life and a lot about people. Plus, I think everyone deserves a chance.
The interesting thing about all of this is a lot of the issues I have been talking about are simply my distractions to cover up the bigger ones. On a side note, I picked the picture that I did because I just made some coffee for myself and realized I really don't like black coffee or any coffee that is close to black. I like to drown it with sugar and milk. Coffee itself is actually rly gross... but overly sweet coffee like coffee ice cream is gross too. Idk, I need to perfect my balance of sugar and cream because everything tastes weird to me now. Back to the issue. I dislike the way things are changing around me. I'm rly busy trying to study, hang out, and eat all in 24 hours and maybe adding some sleep in there in the midst of all that, but the boy-frenzy plaguing second years really caught up with me. Lately I've been stressing about who I'm going to take to my sorority's cocktail event, but you know what, it's not even that big of a deal. Right now, it feels like high school all over again. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could have a bf that went to these events with me but every other day of the year, I can do what I want. My cousin and I had an interesting conversation about this. I absolutely LOVE finally being single with no strings attached. I mean, I was always single, but there was always baggage with the past. For once in my life, I cleared it all and had a clean slate. Then the whole cocktail thing gets thrown at me and now I'm just like shietttt. Haha. But after much contemplation, I decided I'm just going to focus on school because that gives me a much more rewarding result. The whole date thing, I'll figure out if I find the time. Sounds like a plan to me!
There's more I need to talk about and this is not even close to what I had in mind for this post, but I really need to study for my midterm. So this shall have to do for now! Goodnight blogspot :)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Lately the main question I've gotten is why am I so down/tired. Here's the answer: There are so many things going on in my life. I know I don't have the worst life. That's not my point. My point is people around me think I'm just this never ending giver. That's cool, but I'd appreciate a little sign of care every once in a while. Things have gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore because I'm tired of putting in all the effort to friendships and finding myself wondering what the point of all this is. Maybe I expect too much because my friends back home have become like a family to me. Unconditional endless love and never an awkward moment that can't be laughed about. I don't know. But there are so many factors going on in my life right now that I try to go through every day with a smile, but I can't. It's not in me. I don't have the energy to be fake and when I'm home, I just want to relax. I don't want to keep that smile going when things inside me feel like a box that keeps getting smaller as each day passes by. Of course I know things will work out in the end. I don't want to share it all with the world. It's just all the people I thought would be here for me during this time, seem to have disappeared. Don't be surprised if I simply don't care anymore. There are too many other factors going wrong in my life for yours to be a priority for fixing. Sorry, but I can't help but be blunt about it. At least I'm not faking it.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Another week is almost over. I got a new crescent sister named Liz and she's super cool. :) We have a few mutual friends and she's chill. This whole process of finding a big sister is so hard! I'm not going to lie, I have high expectations for whoever my big sis is going to be because of the relationships I have with my mom and cousins. Hopefully one day the big sis I'm searching for will pop up in my face, but I'm glad I finally got a proactive sister. So on the first night, I went with Liz to the ARC to watch the fraternity volleyball games. That was fun and she introduced me to quite a few people. I like that she's super involved and I love her outgoing personality. Not gonna lie, I was a complete downer. This week hasn't been so great for me in terms of school and it's been a little tough. Glad the week is almost over and I can have a little time to catch up now. Anyways, Liz took me to Yogurtland on Wednesday and we hung out with Paige, Lydia and my psis Paige. Today, I bonded with my psis group Maki and Nadia. Conversation was smooth, but it got a little awkward when I got asked about my friendship with Nadia's boyfriend's ex. Didn't quite know what to say or if there was judgment following that, but I'm just not going to think about that one. I like them, they're definitely people I want to hang out with more outside of school I think.
Anyways, so tonight I had this mission to talk to this guy I had met at Kaba who could be my potential Cocktail date. (Yeah, btw that's a blow of the week. Finding a cocktail date sucks because I was super content with finally being single with ZERO strings attached for once in my life.) Well, I showed up late, and he was not fricking there. Major FAIL. Hopefully I can get to know him soon because he seemed hella chill before. Also, hopefully I'll have a fun, chill, nonawkward date! Lol. Knowing me though, I probably won't get what I want. Anyways, I'm trying my best to not get sick, so until next week. G'nite blog world!!
Monday, October 4, 2010
I got pinned for Gamma Phi Beta tonight! :) I also got a new Crescent Big Sis who made me my clipboard!! It was super fun, but by the end of the night I felt like such a complete bitch for not remembering people's names. Tonight was also our first formal meeting and I will have to admit it was all extremely intimidating! Being on council in high school and what not definitely did not prepare me for what went down in that meeting. It was all so interesting to watch and then in the middle of it, it hit me that I'm being initiated into that process! Excitement and nerves all scrambled into my system, nevertheless I'm 100% happy with my decision to be in this sorority. It's definitely where I want to be and far from the stereotypes thus far. Hopefully more bonding activities with my sisters are to come! I'm excited for what's ahead!!
It's for reals only Week 2 and I'm already drinking two cups of coffee in order to stay up and study for my tests. What the eff.
Recap of what's been going on:
Honestly, I don't really know if I'm on a streak of luck but last week, I went to a Circle K meeting and won my little buddy in the picture in their raffle. Two days later, I found ten bucks on the floor in the parking lot. Gotta admit it was pretty awesome. Nevertheless, I never go a day without thinking about my goals in life. Right now, there's a lot going on in my life, but I take it day by day. So far it's working out quite nicely minus the part about me drinking two cups of coffee to stay awake. I think it's a phase because this is how I always get when the weather is WHACK (because it totally is right now).
My number one priority here is always going to be school. After all, that is why I'm here. Next is prepping for my future. Lately things have been tough with everyone giving me shit for being in a sorority and for graduating early. Honestly, those who do are proving to me that they just aren't the people I want to surround myself with all the time. In small amounts, sure, but their negativity is not what I need at this moment in my life. There's a shit load of things going on in my life, but you don't see me giving them shit for the things they do in their life. Everyone does what they do for a purpose. Until that purpose is achieved, that activity will always be a part of their life and I'm fine with that. It's just getting a tad bit ridiculous with the side comments and what not. Honestly though, to those who think I'm going to change because I'm in sorority, if I change it's going to be for the better because true friends would let me know if I'm making a fool of myself, so stop trippin'. K? Anyways, my new mission is to find myself an internship. This should be an interesting road, but I'm ready to take it on! Let's go! (Haha, funny cuz I'm listening to "Yeah" by Usher on iTunes and he hella said that phrase as I typed it.)
First week of school was extremely eventful and exhausting. This weekend was good, now it's time to tackle Week 2. So hello Week 2! Goodnight blog.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Today has been long and stressful. Honestly, after my counseling session, I feel more lost than ever. Leading up to this experience, everything done was towards one goal and now I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions and I want to do it all. Weirdly, it feels as if I'm lacking a strong passion. I know I love math & econ, but there's no instinctive drive pulling me towards any one specific thing. In the end, the determination to do it all is there, but in recent conversations I found that if there's no love behind my actions, it's all meaningless.
Example: There's a friend who's branching out and dabbling in everything. Basically, working the networks around us. Yes, life is better with connections, but that's not what it's all about. Life is better with a solid relationship to back you up, but that's not what it revolves around. There's so much more to life than the stereotypes and Irvine is the place to be to break the stereotype. Most of this comes to my mind specifically because I've been getting a lot of shit for being in a sorority. Come on, I know I look and act like a sorority girl, so what's wrong with me being one? People who once said I look like one are now giving me shit for being in one, but what's wrong with me loving what I do? At least I know I'm doing this for the right reasons. It honestly makes me feel at home and has definitely helped with my knowledge of whether or not others are judging me. To me life is about seizing opportunities and loving the ones that you take. It's not about creating a big ass web of networks because by doing so, you lose touch with those who are meant to be the closest to you. Eventually, they'll even stop caring and you'll be left wondering why the left if you even notice they left. I've had this all happen way too many times to let the ones I love go through the same pain.
Conversations are priceless. There's nothing that can replace that connection between people. No matter how much work you could get done in that hour, it will never beat the satisfaction you get from a good conversation. Even if it's not a good one though, it's the after feeling of knowing you tried. Social networking is about knowing a few people who know other people who know people who can help you. Ya kno? At least that's how I feel. Basically this all boils down to the type of person I am and the way I see life I guess. I like to keep my close friends close and others as friends until they share that bond/connection/energy with me. My comfort is hard to gain, but easy to keep once you have it. Trust that.
Friday, October 1, 2010
I want to say to you. Everytime the opportunity presents itself I either get blocked by someone or I lose my words. There's no solution to the shyness you bring out in me. My hope is that one day things will change and we can at least be good friends if nothing else. Fate has definitely not been on our side, but that's fine. I'm not asking for much, just one solid conversation where I can say I genuinely got to know you. However, for some odd reason, that never seems to happen. We can ask about each other and say we know each other, but I can't honestly call you a friend. You're more like my acquaintance and I want to change that, but our fate just is not set in our favor I guess. That's a really weird way to put it, but hopefully this sorority business will help me change that with you. The awkward short/brief conversations have got to go. I'm super confused about what I want. Everything has been an overwhelming domino effect and I've been living in a fairy tale trying to escape reality. Sadly, reality caught up with me and here I am blogging about it.
I want to happen. Knowing that I'm going to get out of here early, I'm determined to make the most of my experience, but my body is simply not cooperating. I can't say that I'm having the time of my life because inside of me there's a never ending war going on between my healthy cells and my sick cells (yes, the ones that get me sick.. i'm not a bio major, so leave me alone! :P). Lately, I've been ignoring it and going about my life as if nothing's wrong, but it's taking a toll on me and I can't fix it. Eugh, things are just getting rough and I need that rock to keep me up. Part of me wants a relationship for that purpose, but at the same time, I know how much I have on my plate, I don't know if I can stretch my heart out further to accept a relationship. It's just all getting to be too much. I definitely have the desire to do all that I'm doing, but the alone time is what I crave, that down moment in life where I can just reflect on me and make sure I'm on track. That's what's lacking. Don't get me wrong, I love being in sorority and it's definitely my place, but dude, I don't even know if I can handle my classes. There's so much going on that I can't figure out if things are going to fit or not. I'm waiting for another week and seeing if this is going to be my life, but we will definitely have to wait and see. I miss home. I miss a lot of things about my life, but most of all I miss the comfort of knowing I'm always going to have someone there. As you can see I have a lot on my mind and I feel like I'm a tiny fraction away from my breaking point and more than anything I miss my best friends. (Not to say that they aren't around, but I miss that quality bonding time without worrying about other things in life.) Please please please breaking point, go away. I can't handle it right now. I need to be me and get this school situation set straight because I have a lot to prove to myself. I know I can do this, please don't make this any harder than it already is.
on my mind. If I keep typing, I'm not going to be able to study. So I'm going to end it here. Sorry this was such a down blog, but that's my current mood. Balance and priorities are my struggles always and forever. G'nite!