Friday, October 1, 2010

There's so much

I want to say to you. Everytime the opportunity presents itself I either get blocked by someone or I lose my words. There's no solution to the shyness you bring out in me. My hope is that one day things will change and we can at least be good friends if nothing else. Fate has definitely not been on our side, but that's fine. I'm not asking for much, just one solid conversation where I can say I genuinely got to know you. However, for some odd reason, that never seems to happen. We can ask about each other and say we know each other, but I can't honestly call you a friend. You're more like my acquaintance and I want to change that, but our fate just is not set in our favor I guess. That's a really weird way to put it, but hopefully this sorority business will help me change that with you. The awkward short/brief conversations have got to go. I'm super confused about what I want. Everything has been an overwhelming domino effect and I've been living in a fairy tale trying to escape reality. Sadly, reality caught up with me and here I am blogging about it.

I want to happen. Knowing that I'm going to get out of here early, I'm determined to make the most of my experience, but my body is simply not cooperating. I can't say that I'm having the time of my life because inside of me there's a never ending war going on between my healthy cells and my sick cells (yes, the ones that get me sick.. i'm not a bio major, so leave me alone! :P). Lately, I've been ignoring it and going about my life as if nothing's wrong, but it's taking a toll on me and I can't fix it. Eugh, things are just getting rough and I need that rock to keep me up. Part of me wants a relationship for that purpose, but at the same time, I know how much I have on my plate, I don't know if I can stretch my heart out further to accept a relationship. It's just all getting to be too much. I definitely have the desire to do all that I'm doing, but the alone time is what I crave, that down moment in life where I can just reflect on me and make sure I'm on track. That's what's lacking. Don't get me wrong, I love being in sorority and it's definitely my place, but dude, I don't even know if I can handle my classes. There's so much going on that I can't figure out if things are going to fit or not. I'm waiting for another week and seeing if this is going to be my life, but we will definitely have to wait and see. I miss home. I miss a lot of things about my life, but most of all I miss the comfort of knowing I'm always going to have someone there. As you can see I have a lot on my mind and I feel like I'm a tiny fraction away from my breaking point and more than anything I miss my best friends. (Not to say that they aren't around, but I miss that quality bonding time without worrying about other things in life.) Please please please breaking point, go away. I can't handle it right now. I need to be me and get this school situation set straight because I have a lot to prove to myself. I know I can do this, please don't make this any harder than it already is.

on my mind. If I keep typing, I'm not going to be able to study. So I'm going to end it here. Sorry this was such a down blog, but that's my current mood. Balance and priorities are my struggles always and forever. G'nite!

No comments:

Post a Comment