Genuine Love

Lately the main question I've gotten is why am I so down/tired. Here's the answer: There are so many things going on in my life. I know I don't have the worst life. That's not my point. My point is people around me think I'm just this never ending giver. That's cool, but I'd appreciate a little sign of care every once in a while. Things have gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore because I'm tired of putting in all the effort to friendships and finding myself wondering what the point of all this is. Maybe I expect too much because my friends back home have become like a family to me. Unconditional endless love and never an awkward moment that can't be laughed about. I don't know. But there are so many factors going on in my life right now that I try to go through every day with a smile, but I can't. It's not in me. I don't have the energy to be fake and when I'm home, I just want to relax. I don't want to keep that smile going when things inside me feel like a box that keeps getting smaller as each day passes by. Of course I know things will work out in the end. I don't want to share it all with the world. It's just all the people I thought would be here for me during this time, seem to have disappeared. Don't be surprised if I simply don't care anymore. There are too many other factors going wrong in my life for yours to be a priority for fixing. Sorry, but I can't help but be blunt about it. At least I'm not faking it.

Journey to Becoming an Active Week 3

Another week is almost over. I got a new crescent sister named Liz and she's super cool. :) We have a few mutual friends and she's chill. This whole process of finding a big sister is so hard! I'm not going to lie, I have high expectations for whoever my big sis is going to be because of the relationships I have with my mom and cousins. Hopefully one day the big sis I'm searching for will pop up in my face, but I'm glad I finally got a proactive sister. So on the first night, I went with Liz to the ARC to watch the fraternity volleyball games. That was fun and she introduced me to quite a few people. I like that she's super involved and I love her outgoing personality. Not gonna lie, I was a complete downer. This week hasn't been so great for me in terms of school and it's been a little tough. Glad the week is almost over and I can have a little time to catch up now. Anyways, Liz took me to Yogurtland on Wednesday and we hung out with Paige, Lydia and my psis Paige. Today, I bonded with my psis group Maki and Nadia. Conversation was smooth, but it got a little awkward when I got asked about my friendship with Nadia's boyfriend's ex. Didn't quite know what to say or if there was judgment following that, but I'm just not going to think about that one. I like them, they're definitely people I want to hang out with more outside of school I think.

Anyways, so tonight I had this mission to talk to this guy I had met at Kaba who could be my potential Cocktail date. (Yeah, btw that's a blow of the week. Finding a cocktail date sucks because I was super content with finally being single with ZERO strings attached for once in my life.) Well, I showed up late, and he was not fricking there. Major FAIL. Hopefully I can get to know him soon because he seemed hella chill before. Also, hopefully I'll have a fun, chill, nonawkward date! Lol. Knowing me though, I probably won't get what I want. Anyways, I'm trying my best to not get sick, so until next week. G'nite blog world!!

Journey to Becoming an Active

I got pinned for Gamma Phi Beta tonight! :) I also got a new Crescent Big Sis who made me my clipboard!! It was super fun, but by the end of the night I felt like such a complete bitch for not remembering people's names. Tonight was also our first formal meeting and I will have to admit it was all extremely intimidating! Being on council in high school and what not definitely did not prepare me for what went down in that meeting. It was all so interesting to watch and then in the middle of it, it hit me that I'm being initiated into that process! Excitement and nerves all scrambled into my system, nevertheless I'm 100% happy with my decision to be in this sorority. It's definitely where I want to be and far from the stereotypes thus far. Hopefully more bonding activities with my sisters are to come! I'm excited for what's ahead!!

Luck or Fate

It's for reals only Week 2 and I'm already drinking two cups of coffee in order to stay up and study for my tests. What the eff.

Recap of what's been going on:

Honestly, I don't really know if I'm on a streak of luck but last week, I went to a Circle K meeting and won my little buddy in the picture in their raffle. Two days later, I found ten bucks on the floor in the parking lot. Gotta admit it was pretty awesome. Nevertheless, I never go a day without thinking about my goals in life. Right now, there's a lot going on in my life, but I take it day by day. So far it's working out quite nicely minus the part about me drinking two cups of coffee to stay awake. I think it's a phase because this is how I always get when the weather is WHACK (because it totally is right now).

My number one priority here is always going to be school. After all, that is why I'm here. Next is prepping for my future. Lately things have been tough with everyone giving me shit for being in a sorority and for graduating early. Honestly, those who do are proving to me that they just aren't the people I want to surround myself with all the time. In small amounts, sure, but their negativity is not what I need at this moment in my life. There's a shit load of things going on in my life, but you don't see me giving them shit for the things they do in their life. Everyone does what they do for a purpose. Until that purpose is achieved, that activity will always be a part of their life and I'm fine with that. It's just getting a tad bit ridiculous with the side comments and what not. Honestly though, to those who think I'm going to change because I'm in sorority, if I change it's going to be for the better because true friends would let me know if I'm making a fool of myself, so stop trippin'. K? Anyways, my new mission is to find myself an internship. This should be an interesting road, but I'm ready to take it on! Let's go! (Haha, funny cuz I'm listening to "Yeah" by Usher on iTunes and he hella said that phrase as I typed it.)

First week of school was extremely eventful and exhausting. This weekend was good, now it's time to tackle Week 2. So hello Week 2! Goodnight blog.

Love, Tiff

DTM

Today has been long and stressful. Honestly, after my counseling session, I feel more lost than ever. Leading up to this experience, everything done was towards one goal and now I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions and I want to do it all. Weirdly, it feels as if I'm lacking a strong passion. I know I love math & econ, but there's no instinctive drive pulling me towards any one specific thing. In the end, the determination to do it all is there, but in recent conversations I found that if there's no love behind my actions, it's all meaningless.

Example: There's a friend who's branching out and dabbling in everything. Basically, working the networks around us. Yes, life is better with connections, but that's not what it's all about. Life is better with a solid relationship to back you up, but that's not what it revolves around. There's so much more to life than the stereotypes and Irvine is the place to be to break the stereotype. Most of this comes to my mind specifically because I've been getting a lot of shit for being in a sorority. Come on, I know I look and act like a sorority girl, so what's wrong with me being one? People who once said I look like one are now giving me shit for being in one, but what's wrong with me loving what I do? At least I know I'm doing this for the right reasons. It honestly makes me feel at home and has definitely helped with my knowledge of whether or not others are judging me. To me life is about seizing opportunities and loving the ones that you take. It's not about creating a big ass web of networks because by doing so, you lose touch with those who are meant to be the closest to you. Eventually, they'll even stop caring and you'll be left wondering why the left if you even notice they left. I've had this all happen way too many times to let the ones I love go through the same pain.

Conversations are priceless. There's nothing that can replace that connection between people. No matter how much work you could get done in that hour, it will never beat the satisfaction you get from a good conversation. Even if it's not a good one though, it's the after feeling of knowing you tried. Social networking is about knowing a few people who know other people who know people who can help you. Ya kno? At least that's how I feel. Basically this all boils down to the type of person I am and the way I see life I guess. I like to keep my close friends close and others as friends until they share that bond/connection/energy with me. My comfort is hard to gain, but easy to keep once you have it. Trust that.

There's so much

I want to say to you. Everytime the opportunity presents itself I either get blocked by someone or I lose my words. There's no solution to the shyness you bring out in me. My hope is that one day things will change and we can at least be good friends if nothing else. Fate has definitely not been on our side, but that's fine. I'm not asking for much, just one solid conversation where I can say I genuinely got to know you. However, for some odd reason, that never seems to happen. We can ask about each other and say we know each other, but I can't honestly call you a friend. You're more like my acquaintance and I want to change that, but our fate just is not set in our favor I guess. That's a really weird way to put it, but hopefully this sorority business will help me change that with you. The awkward short/brief conversations have got to go. I'm super confused about what I want. Everything has been an overwhelming domino effect and I've been living in a fairy tale trying to escape reality. Sadly, reality caught up with me and here I am blogging about it.

I want to happen. Knowing that I'm going to get out of here early, I'm determined to make the most of my experience, but my body is simply not cooperating. I can't say that I'm having the time of my life because inside of me there's a never ending war going on between my healthy cells and my sick cells (yes, the ones that get me sick.. i'm not a bio major, so leave me alone! :P). Lately, I've been ignoring it and going about my life as if nothing's wrong, but it's taking a toll on me and I can't fix it. Eugh, things are just getting rough and I need that rock to keep me up. Part of me wants a relationship for that purpose, but at the same time, I know how much I have on my plate, I don't know if I can stretch my heart out further to accept a relationship. It's just all getting to be too much. I definitely have the desire to do all that I'm doing, but the alone time is what I crave, that down moment in life where I can just reflect on me and make sure I'm on track. That's what's lacking. Don't get me wrong, I love being in sorority and it's definitely my place, but dude, I don't even know if I can handle my classes. There's so much going on that I can't figure out if things are going to fit or not. I'm waiting for another week and seeing if this is going to be my life, but we will definitely have to wait and see. I miss home. I miss a lot of things about my life, but most of all I miss the comfort of knowing I'm always going to have someone there. As you can see I have a lot on my mind and I feel like I'm a tiny fraction away from my breaking point and more than anything I miss my best friends. (Not to say that they aren't around, but I miss that quality bonding time without worrying about other things in life.) Please please please breaking point, go away. I can't handle it right now. I need to be me and get this school situation set straight because I have a lot to prove to myself. I know I can do this, please don't make this any harder than it already is.

on my mind. If I keep typing, I'm not going to be able to study. So I'm going to end it here. Sorry this was such a down blog, but that's my current mood. Balance and priorities are my struggles always and forever. G'nite!

Los Sientos

Dear Blog,
I'm sorry I've been neglecting you. I have a quick minute before I have to leave for class and I simply wanted to inform you that I am now a part of Gamma Phi Beta's Beta Omega class! :) I'm also suffering from major exhaustion, hence my voice sounding like a thirteen year old boy going through puberty, it's cracking all over the place. Anywho, gots to go now, but I will for sure have a detailed post soon!

xoxo
Tiff